


Spider-Man Plays Would You Rather | BuzzFeed Celeb

by Jenniboo311



Series: Social Butterfly Spidey [7]
Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aged-Up Peter Parker, Buzzfeed, Humor, Internet, Interviews, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Spider-Man: Far From Home Compliant, Secret Identity, Social Media, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 23:24:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21107708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenniboo311/pseuds/Jenniboo311
Summary: "Hi, I'm your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man!" He salutes the camera with two fingers, sitting in a director's chair in his signature mask, a simple black t-shirt, and jeans in front of a purple set. "I'm here to play 'Would You Rather', because apparently you're not sick of me yet and want to torture me some more."The video cuts to display the title card, 'Spider-Man Plays Would You Rather'."I wonder what kind of fresh hell awaits me today," Spider-Man muses, swiping his hand through the folded pieces of paper in the plastic jar in his lap, mixing them up. "You people are evil, you really are." He playfully glares at the set crew off camera. "No sense in delaying the inevitable, I guess, let's just get to it."





	Spider-Man Plays Would You Rather | BuzzFeed Celeb

**Author's Note:**

> While Peter's age is never specified, I consider him aged up to probably his early twenties, and is a mix of MCU-Spidey and PS4-Spidey. Endgame and Far From Home didn't happen, and Civil War magically ended with everyone as friends again.

"Hi, I'm your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man!" He salutes the camera with two fingers, sitting in a director's chair in his signature mask, a simple black t-shirt, and jeans in front of a purple set. "I'm here to play 'Would You Rather', because apparently you're not sick of me yet and want to torture me some more."

The video cuts to display the title card, 'Spider-Man Plays Would You Rather'.

"Oh, my shirt?" He presumably answers the interviewer, looking down and plucking at his shirt. It proudly displays Natasha Romanov's Black Widow logo, two red triangles in an hourglass shape surrounded by a yellow circle. "Yeah, Black Widow! I'm representing the spider fam. I love Nat, she's great! Scary af, but amazing." He grins at the camera, his eye lenses squinting.

"I wonder what kind of fresh hell awaits me today," Spider-Man muses, swiping his hand through the folded pieces of paper in the plastic jar in his lap, mixing them up. "You people are evil, you really are." He playfully glares at the set crew off camera. "No sense in delaying the inevitable, I guess, let's just get to it."

He plucks a strip of paper near the top and unfolds it, reading it aloud, "_Would you rather all dogs try to attack you when they see you or all birds try to attack you when they see you?_" He laughs at the question, "Okay. Well probably the dogs, because I could just swing away on my webs to get away from them. But if it's the birds, I'll just get bombarded by pigeons while trying to sling across town." He laughs again, thinking about the mental picture. "Can you imagine me rolling up to a burglary, covered in scratches, feathers, and bird shit? Not very impressive!"

He fearlessly grabs another strip of paper and reads, "_Would you rather read aloud every word you read or sing every word you say?_" He taps his fingers against the side of the jar in thought. "I'd probably have to say the singing. I can sing fairly well, so it's not that big of a deal to me. I wouldn't want to read aloud some of the texts I get, that would be gnarly. First of all, I'm in the Avengers group chat and that's a hot mess. Trust me, nobody needs to know what goes on in there. They say you should never meet your heroes. Well I'll raise you one and say you should never read your heroes' group chat. I'm honestly sparing you from something ugly. You're welcome." Spider-Man balls up the piece of paper and chucks it, adding on as an afterthought, "And also because I'd probably die of embarrassment if I had to read aloud the dirty texts I get sometimes.

Moving on!" He promptly says, trying to change the topic as soon as possible while fishing out the next piece of paper. "_Would you rather live in a cave or live in a tree house?_ Oh man!" He exclaims, "Have you even seen me? I'm totally built for treehouse living! I could just swing my way up, I wouldn't even need to make a rope ladder! Oh man," he gushes, "I'd even have it pimped out with a dandy web hammock that I could sleep in! I might need to actually do this." He strokes his chin in thought, "Not sure where I'm going to find a suitable tree in Queens though. I might have to wait until I go upstate weekend after next to the Avengers compound. There's lots of trees out there."

Spider-Man swirls the papers around before selecting one from the bottom this time and reads aloud, "_Would you rather have a fully automated home or a self-driving car?_ Hands down the automated home," he gestures decisively with the hand still holding the paper. "I don't really drive, not much point considering I have webs and access to Tony Stark's driver for longer distances to the compound. What I don't have is a lot of time. I'd love a system to automate the mundane tasks I don't have time for. I guess I'll just have to become an Avenger and move into the compound. You better believe Tony has that place tricked out. It's a masterpiece and it's getting harder and harder to leave and go back to my apartment." He chuckles quietly to himself.

He accidentally takes two papers and does a quick _eeny meeny miny moe_ and throws one back. "_Would you rather be beautiful/handsome but stupid, or ugly but intelligent?_ Wow okay," he shifts in his chair, "Beauty is highly subjective though, isn't it? Like, who decides what is beautiful? What someone finds beautiful, somebody else may find unattractive. Furthermore, what kind of beauty are you talking about? Because somebody can be physically attractive but have an awful personality, and that's ugly to me." Spider-Man ponders the topic silently for a moment before shaking himself out of it, "Regardless, I would choose my intelligence over any kind of physical appearance. Look at all the people I help on the daily, I do that with a mask on. My physical appearance has zero impact on being Spider-Man. At the end of the day, we're all born how we are. My philosophy is to change the things we have control over, like our attitudes, our personalities, and how we treat others, and embrace the things we can't really control, like our physical features."

He reaches for another piece of paper, "And for the trolls who love to pick apart everything I say and comment on, I'm not talking about something you can just dye your hair to change. Go find something productive to do with your day."

He clears his throat and reads the new slip of paper, "_Would you rather a bottomless box of Legos or a bottomless gas tank?_ Uhhh," he exclaims enthusiastically, "Legos, obviously! I don't care if I'm a grown ass man, you're never too old for Legos. Plus the age range clearly states four to ninety-nine, so I'm within the bounds. Sucks for those hundred year old grandpas that just want to build a rocket ship. Hey man, you do you. I won't tattle to your retirement home that you're playing with blocks. Go nuts." He giggles childishly as he shakes the jar, rustling the papers inside. "Oh man," he continues, "Have you guys seen that Avengers tower Lego set? I want it so bad but it's like five hundred bucks. That's too rich for my blood. I think it's something like six thousand pieces! Crazy! Maybe sugar daddy would get it for me if I hint about it." He snorts. "Tony hates it when I call him that. He's a mentor and a father figure to me, really, so he cringes whenever I call him that. I just like getting under his skin. I used to call him Mr. Stark to watch his eye twitch but had to give it up and call him Tony when I hit adulthood. I think he regrets insisting on Tony now, since sugar daddy is infinitely worse."

He plucks a paper from the pile and unfolds it, "Speaking of eye twitches, you wanna see something fun, call Cap, 'Daddy'. He despises it. It's a riot. _Would you rather eat a sandwich made from four ingredients chosen from your fridge at random, or eat a sandwich made from four ingredients chosen from your fridge by your friends?_" He laughs, answering, "I'm not even sure my fridge has at least four ingredients currently in it to be perfectly honest. I don't have much time to grocery shop or cook. So assuming my fridge is fully stocked for this scenario, it would depend on the friend. My best guy friend, my guy in the chair as he calls himself, would make me a boss sandwich, I can totally trust him. And Tony would as well, since he's a total IronDad and constantly worries that I'm not eating enough with my increased metabolism and active lifestyle. The rest of 'em I wouldn't trust with this test. A normal mealtime, sure, but in this scenario they'd all probably fill two slices of bread with, like, soy sauce, carrots, yogurt, and ham just to watch me struggle They're jerks like that."

He balls up the paper and flicks it before reaching for the next one, "_Would you rather have no one show up for your wedding or for your funeral?_ Oooooh, depressing," he laughs. "Well, to be perfectly real, this is a dangerous gig. I don't think any of us heroes feel like we have a high life expectancy. Meaning, I'm not really expecting to die of old age," he insinuates. "I hope when I do kick the bucket, I do so protecting others or doing something meaningful. Ghost me would be so mad if I slip in the shower or something stupid like that." He shakes his head and shrugs, "Having said that, I'd rather people show up to my wedding instead of my funeral because funerals are sad and I'd rather people remember me for the good things I've done and celebrate my life rather than mourn me. So come to my wedding, not my funeral," he smiles at the camera. "Unless you hate weddings, in which case, don't come to either one, I guess. But full disclosure, you'll be missing out on the world's most awkward garter dance, so your loss."

He crumples the paper and lobs it at the camera with a cheeky grin and a wink of his eye lenses before picking another paper, "_Would you rather give up alcohol for a year or give up your smartphone for a month?_" He looks up at the camera and answers, "Well that's easy. I don't really drink much so it would be nothing to give up entirely. I also hate talking on the phone but I like texting and surfing the web on my phone so I think I'll choose giving up alcohol."

He shrugs at his brief answer and goes for the next paper, "_Would you rather be the smartest kid in school or the most popular kid in school?_" He snorts and tosses the piece of paper on the ground, "It's unfortunate that those two things have to be mutually exclusive, but I can confirm that I lived the former and was the opposite of the latter." He rubs his arm absently, "Maybe it's cuz kids get jealous or something, I dunno. But yeah, I was always the smartest kid in the class and I got bullied for it. Even though I was unpopular, I think I'd still choose being smart over being popular. I used to be self conscious about my smarts and about not having many friends, but now I work with some of the greatest minds in history! My advice to the smart kids getting bullied for it: trust me, it gets better. School is temporary. Embrace your intelligence, love yourself. It will take you far in life later on. This, too, shall pass, as they say." He smiles warmly at the camera, eye lenses squinting and mask crinkling around his mouth.

"_Would you rather be a police officer or be a firefighter?_" He reads aloud before shifting in his chair to get more comfortable. "Oh man, now you're asking the hard questions! How can I possibly choose?!" He looks at the camera and his eye lenses flare wide open in despair. "Honestly I love both professions, and have only the highest respect for them. They both do so much good for people! Neither is better than the other, they're just different. Hmmm, I dunno!" He hums in indecision. "I don't want to offend anybody! I dunno, a firefighter maybe. Maybe I could use my abilities to help in situations that have deteriorated too far. Oooh!" He suddenly exclaims in excitement, "I could develop a fire retardant web! Like my own version of a fire extinguisher built into my web shooters! Why haven't I done that before?! Karen! Note that down to explore later!"

"Noted," a cool female voice confirms, coming from his mask.

"Right on," he says excitedly, grinning widely at the camera.

He distractedly chooses another slip of paper while muttering to himself about needing to check if he has any potassium bicarbonate left in the lab, "_Would you rather get even or get over it?_" He laughs. "Well that depends on what _it_ is. If it's a prank Clint has played on me, you'd better believe I'm getting even. If someone has wronged me, I try to get over it. Life is hard enough without holding grudges, man. I don't have enough energy left over at the end of the day to hate. It's too much effort."

He shakes the jar and peers inside, "Surely we're nearing the end soon? Is this a bottomless jar or something?"

He selects another paper and reads, "_Would you rather have no elbows or no knees?_" He laughs loudly and slaps his thigh in mirth, "Oh man, I'm just picturing that. Where the hell do you guys come up with these questions?" He shakes his head and answers, "No knees, I guess. I'll just web my way around everywhere when I'm not stomping around like a stick man. It would be hard to web sling without elbows, unfortunately."

He unfolds the next paper and reads, "_Would you rather go a month without internet or go a month without bathing?_ Oh gross!" He exclaims. "I'm too active to not shower for a month. Sometimes I have to shower multiple times a day depending on what I've been into. I take personal hygiene seriously. My sensitive nose would accept nothing less."

He accidentally selects two papers again and shrugs while throwing one back. He starts laughing before he can even finish the sentence, "_Would you rather have bananas for fingers or bananas for toes?_" He covers his eyes with his free hand. "Seriously where do you come up with these?" He laughs again for a moment until it trails off into giggles. "I guess I'd rather bananas for toes, because like I said before, I could just swing everywhere and that would be hard to do with banana fingers. Plus, I think it would be more tempting if I got snackish. My banana fingers would be right there, you know?" He makes an om nom noise while wiggling his fingers and laughs again, shaking his head.

"_Would you rather have the power to put people in awkward situations or remove yourself from awkward situations?_" He reads. He snorts and responds, "Definitely remove myself from awkward situations. I'm, like, the most awkward person ever. In fact, this is why it's better you don't know my real identity. Once the mask comes off you'd be so disenchanted!" He laughs.

"_Would you rather there be a ding sound every time you wink or have a cartoonish gun sound go off when you make a finger gun?_" He reads from the slip of paper. He laughs, answering, "Uhh, the ding sound with the wink, I guess! I get shot at enough in the run of a week, I don't need anymore gunshots even if they are fake. Plus I feel like I could really up my snappy comebacks with a wink and a ding to punctuate it, you know? Raise it to a whole other level. Help me out here, Karen!" He follows that sentence with an exaggerated wink of his eye lenses and a ding sound echoes from his mask that makes him chuckle. "See?"

He plucks the last paper from the empty jar and reads, "_Would you rather sound like Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck for the rest of your life?_" He snorts a laugh. "Can you imagine? People would never take me seriously again." He rolls up the bottom of his mask to expose his softly grinning mouth and sharp jaw and performs a decently accurate impression of Donald Duck, "Stop right there, put your hands in the air! You won't get away with this!" He cracks before he can continue and laughs, tugging his mask back in place. "I haven't done that impression since before I hit puberty, nice to know I've still got it." He snorts. "I dunno, Mickey Mouse. I'd sound silly either way but nothing beats classic Mickey. He's the best."

He tips the jar upside down to demonstrate that all the paper is gone. "Looks like that's all there is, folks. I survived! I hope you enjoyed laughing at me some more, thanks for watching!" He gives a friendly wave and a smile as the video fades to black.

\----------------

Comments:

**BrightEyedAthene**

Okay hearing spidey make om nom noises is the cutest thing ever

**Glittergravy**

Haha that was actually a good Donald Duck impression! Our boi is so talented

**WeDontTalkAboutThisAccount**

Stomping around like a stick figure with no knees hahaha

**Bbblaney77**

Banana fingers! Rofl

**Friedfishcat**

I love how excited he got about the fire retardant webs. I'd love to just watch him work in the lab sometime. See his genius mind work.

**Meesh**

Hahaha saying he'd get even if Clint pranked him. How often does Clint prank him? That sounded oddly specific.

**Kimie**

Ugh I hate talking on the phone too. Anyone else cringe when their phone rings? You monster, text me like a normal antisocial person.

**ameliamazing1603**

Yesssssssss can I please come to your wedding? Awkward or no, I don't want to miss that garter dance. Ooh, would the bride's garter be red and blue?!

**Jem_Crystairs**

LMFAO Spidey calling Stark sugar daddy just to watch him twitch. I didn't realize he was such a troll. That's golden.

**Wisdomsqueen**

Spider fam!!! Oh my hearttttt

**PainInSilence**

"what kind of fresh hell awaits me today" - me, waking up every morning

**secret_werewolves**

There's an Avengers group chat?! I want to see this mess!

**WeirdFangirl35**

Spidey talking about his life expectancy got me over here ugly crying. Must protecc

**williamcassio**

I totally want to hang out in his epic treehouse lol

**Izuryuu**

His view on beauty is so refreshing, I love it

**TotallyNotDeadpool**

Baby boy over here planning the wedding and I haven't even proposed yet! So sweet! ily bb! I'm the only sugar daddy you need.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have read my other fics in this series you may notice I used the names of commenters as random users. If I have used your name and this bothers you, please let me know and I will happily change it.
> 
> If you liked my story, please drop me a line and let me know you enjoyed yourself!


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